Day ? ... Back in the saddle again.

Either this weekend or coming Monday I’ll be starting to post again.
With many distractions and other happenings I really had to step back and take a breather.
The more I blogged the further my hoped trip to Africa seemed to be!

Day 30.. Day 31.. etc etc.. each day went by and nothing really new surfaced so I found myself doing the humming and hawing .. Whining and complaining about the market.. moods up one moment and down the next…
all seemed to really depress me on how unstable my life really is.
I’m always just living one day to the next never knowing what to expect.
Sometimes things are crazy busy.. other times I’m wondering what to do next.
Really feeling too old for this sort of thing and it’s really hitting me hard lately.
I wanted to escape to Africa knowing that it could really change my life with what I could gain from something like that.
It can.. and someday will… if it’s meant to be.
Signs are showing me it’s not quite time and that perhaps I have to make a baby step adventure while getting myself in a more financially sound situation.
I’m liking this blog thing as sort of a journal in my life for some that seem interested.
I wonder is anyone really reading this thing.. ? !
Then I get really wonderful emails and come across people on a regular basis that say.. “hey Steve.. been reading your blog.. Interesting stuff.. keep it up”
Random people.. random places. (Thank you to those that do)
I sincerely hope that I can amount to something grander as I’ve started this blog as to not disappoint "followers".
I’m honoured that anyone really cares enough to show interest.
I’d invite you to follow up with me and let me know where you’re from, how you found me and offer critiques on what/how I write or at least check off "reactions" below posts.
With hopes to improve on a big weakness in writing and written communication.. I believe this could truly benefit me in the long run.
I do hope I have a wonderful story to tell all in all… with a climatic accomplishment to make it all worth while.
I’ve done a lot of neat things but still don’t feel anything spectacular that makes for a good conclusion of a chapter in my life. I’ll use chapter because I’d hate to think the conclusion is at the end.. just a start to a new journey!
I also need to stop letting miserable people get me down. I do not understand why I meet such tremendous friction and opposition in my field but I find it very .. hmm.. hurtful I guess.
Can’t think of a better word.. and I feel pretty stupid and child like when I allow myself to feel damaged by such.
Perhaps it’s a life long battle to prove myself through some sort of inferiority complex.
It’s a given with the kinda crap I was subjected to as a child.
My biological father was a photographer yet to this day has never once said anything good about my photography.
I sorta blew up on him our “last” conversation a couple years ago and said” why can’t you ever say anything nice?” reply: “I would if there was anything nice to say”
My chalk art… My mom seemed quite embarrassed that I was doing it and wouldn’t even stop to look at a piece I finished while she was in town.
“I don’t know why you’re doing that and not something more constructive”.
LOL
oh man..
I certainly wasn’t perfect and made a lot of serious mistakes in life… but when you’re subjected to such negative suggestion .. it’s hard to rise out positive.
I have to jet and get some stuff done.
Sorry for just disappearing..
share on:facebook

Day 40 - How can you score a home run when there’s nothing in sight but bases?

How can you score a home run when there’s nothing in sight but bases?

I always feel like I’m running (well so to speak) to score a home run with my life but never seem to find home plate. There are just bases. It also seems like the bases are getting further apart as the race for “home” continues. As I started really thinking about this today I asked myself… “do I really want to go “home”. That would mean I went full circle and ended up right back where I started…
;) Sometimes it feels like that I guess.
I’ve also had a lifelong struggle with where “home” really is in the 1st place.
To give you some idea of what I mean…I went to over 16 different schools (not including college)as I was moved around a lot. So I never really felt like home was any place in particular.
oh dang… I have to cut post short today.
I won’t get back until late this evening so It’d have to remain short instead of continuing.
Excited about shooting Moody Blues tonight! It’s rare I get unusually “excited” about covering a band but I freakn loved the Moody Blues in my teens. I used to play ‘Days of Future Passed’ over and over again…
I’ll post pics tomorrow.
Had some other stuff I was going to say but I’d go on my usual tangent and be late for meeting.

cheers!
share on:facebook

Day 33 - run to the hills

Well.. had a bit of a flashback last night shooting Iron Maiden show! wow!

They still have the same punch they did 25+ years ago! I don’t know how Bruce Dickinson can still run around and do those flying leaps of the monitors without breaking heavily used bones!
Caught Comedian, Wayne Brady’s show too.. talk about hilarious! Haven’t been to too many comedy shows but they’re much better live than on TV.
I don’t think I’ve ever been so hot nor sweat so much in my entire life. I can’t believe the heat.
I really feel bad for people with no air conditioning or a pool to cool off in.
Especially seniors and people with respiratory probs. I have breathing probs and I find it hard to stand after a little while myself.
It’s one of the things I get concerned about traveling to a different sort of extreme climate change.
Dry heat I can tolerate.. the humidity and smog?! That’s another story. I often wonder if there’s a lot more going on with the environment than the public is being made aware of with weather like this.
I find people that say global warming is fake a tad bit ignorant.
I think the huge problem is the term “global warming” rather than “global climate change” or something like that. But, all in all, I think it’s obvious things are warming. I also think it’s too late to do stop it. If you think about what it takes to melt glaciers.. and compare that to an ice cube in a glass of water.
The melt speed of the ice is dependent on the environment water is in.
The warmer it gets.. the faster the ice will melt. Now.. let’s say you want to reverse it.
Well you’d have to DRASTICALLY change the environment of the water (put in a freezer) and it will still take quite a bit of time to stop the ice from melting. But that’s all that will take place unless you freeze the whole glass.
Understand why I can’t sleep at night? lol… My mind is always in wonder about things.
So this is the way I see it.
Don’t know how I went from concerts to melting ice?
Had no idea what to post today.. so just started rambling.
cheers!
share on:facebook

Day 32 - On a Day Like Today......the whole world can change

Man I really needed what I got out of yesterday!


Life lessons are really forcing me to make adjustments in my mentality.
I have a tendency to be a little care free and try not to worry about anything. I just live one day to the next and hope for the best or better the next day. I believe worrying is extremely counterproductive to ANY situation. However… there are things that should be of concern.
Involve yourself more in a particular situation, in efforts to make it better.
If you “think” you’ve done all you can to make a challenging situation better that absolutely needs to get better… DO MORE.
There are certain things that require extreme amount of discernment and perhaps the best thing to do is mediate and dissolve. The most important thing in that option is mediate.
Ever since I’ve invested EVERYTHING in pursuing my career as a professional photographer I’ve been on the craziest rollercoaster ride of my life!
I’ve been more financially successful at almost everything else! BUT… I can’t help myself but stay in this field, often at my own detriment. I always feel it’s leading me somewhere.
I know I’d enjoy it more if I had another job or source of income.. but I actually believe I produce better results when it’s all I’ve got to survive on.
If I don’t keep producing some sort of “purchase worthy” images to show what I can do… I don’t survive! Simple!
But that good ol “market” thing…just keeps beating me down and frustrating me to unbearable levels!
I know dwelling on it or complain makes no difference either.. so what’s one to do? Give up?
Is it only the strong survive.. or the ones that can afford to shoot for fun and make a few bux here and there but flood the market with free or cheap images at same time.
NO! I believe I’m better than that! I just need to do MORE!
I’ve got more than financial stability can buy…or easily acquired google/book techniques… or even shared opportunity of access!
I’ve got a heart burning (an inferno) desire to take on a responsibility as a person with obvious challenge and kick some serious ass! (sorry I mean no offence and was going to say arse… but today arse doesn’t cut it) I want everyone facing challenge to stop being a victim and rise out of it!
Don’t let challenges (physical, mental, emotional etc) empower you and keep you prisoner.
I know this suggestion is off topic but really feel led to mention it… A great deal of victory.. if not all of it can be found in forgiveness! It’s not for them t’s for you. Some will never change or even honour forgiveness, and because of that you need to forgive them more because you will be held captive by them your whole life.. even more so after they’re long gone.
Ok Ok… I’m off the preacher box. Dang where’d that all come from? I want more!

Screw the crappy “don’t feel like posting” days.
Today’s photos are from two front pages I made today. This was encouraging ;)
.

.

July 6,2010 - B1- Gene Simmons of KISS from Last years Ottawa Bluesfet.

July 6,2010 - D1 http://www.ottawacitizen.com/health/Deaf+woman+gets+respect/3239108/story.html

share on:facebook

Day 31 - Dirt bags that hate their jobs so much, that they take it out on others... suck.

Thankful for a semi-productive day!

Got a few things tended to that were causing me a great deal of stress…
Caught the tail end of some breaking news where pics got picked up.
And had an interesting assignment! It was a feel good day!
Dang.. One almost has to be thankful for the hardships at times because when things go well.. they just feel so much better than they would feel if thing went right all of the time!
I mean I think I’d enjoy life if I wasn’t under so much stress all the time… but certainly love, appreciate and acknowledge the “better times” even more after several crappy days.. weeks, whatever .It’s like a refreshing rain shower after a long drought!
So what did I shoot today… ?

Well.. there was a head on collision in Aylmer Quebec this morning where the police found a loaded weapon in “the driver at faults” car. The guy is in critical condition and no details known yet.

I captured part of the investigation.
(http://www.ottawacitizen.com/news/Loaded+found+involved+crash/3237630/story.html)
The second thing was a hearing impaired woman got kicked off the Quebec city bus (while bus was in Ottawa) because she had a hearing dog to assist her. So I did a feature shot of her for the Citizen…
I hope her success in her campaign with human rights commission I tell ya!
I remember one day I was with my daughter at bus stop where the low dip bus wasn’t on schedule.
A regular bus came along, pulled over and my daughter and I went to co on the bus, Me with detached wheels and my daughter with folded chair (it’s a small sports chair) The driver said ecstatically NO! NO! You can't bring that in here and slammed the door on me catching part of me and a wheel in the door as he closed it. He opened it a bit, I backed out freakn on him asking what the heck?.. you can’t do that! (no swearing at all either) he shut the door and sped off where I lost my balance and almost fell back into the side of the moving bus. My daughter had to grab me!
I was SOOOOOOO shocked and upset! I couldn’t stop shaking!
There was another hour to next bus so we went about a mile down the road to a busier street.
I complained to OC transpo.. they assured they’d follow up and get back to me.. they never did!
Freakn miserable dirt bags!
share on:facebook

Day 30 - da Blues blues

Having a rough day today….dang
.

So much to sort out it’s quite maddening.
Blues fest, the most fun, coolest event of the season in Ottawa.. starts In 2 days and I’m thinking that I’ve got too many things to get in order to go…the main one is making a living!
I used to make great coin from shooting.
Now? I’m getting tired of covering things where there’s no respect for the rights of the artists, the event etc. and Anyone can shoot and sell pics to whomever they want, for whatever they want and/or free of course.
I refuse to steer from that so I seem to have chosen to go down with a sinking ship with all my idealisms.
I’m really missing out on the pleasure of shooting because the stress of trying to survive is kill’n me!
For some reason the ever so fast approaching festival is hitting me the hardest of ANYTHING yet!
It’s my favourite event to cover, not only because of privileged opportunities granted that I worked very hard to gain credibility as freelancer.. but it’s also a big honour to get paid legitimately from my outlet for shots when things are event is already well covered by many talented that are assigned!
Of course the hardest part to miss out on is the friends I’ve made over the years., ones that are the backbone of the festival and keep everything going!
It’s like a family reunion! Well what one should be like I guess I don’t go to family reunions… but that’s another story, and my own personal blues festival!
Seeing I can’t sing I’ll spare you the song and dance.
I do enough of that on here as it is!
No matter what I post here.. I really try to be positive all the time.
Man.. when you stop doing that…. it’s like life will throw a wet blanket over you and start beating you with sticks! Then anyone that cares enough to help lift you up, start getting hit with your sticks too.
when they have their own sticks to fight off.
I’m trying to be real and open with my postings so that those that “may” be following get a better sense of who I am and what I’m going through trying to make it in this world while trying to be spectacular at it as well! And, of course why I really feel like I need something grander to pursue outside of the box!
Something to revive me!
share on:facebook

Day 29 - The beginning, the end and everything in between

I’ve been noticing my posts getting more daily journal wise and not reflecting a huge amounts of “Going to Africa” content.

Well.. I’m reflecting the obvious.
It’s not as easy as one can dream!
I literally made a declaration that I’m going to do this trip.
And still plan on it… Reality is just setting me straight on the time frame and responsibility dept.
In my happy go lucky mind I figured I’d be able to raise funds quickly and just go!
To be honest.. I just sort of hoped.. (sorry) money would fall from the sky and I’d gain this huge support system. I feel kind of bad about that actually. I can use the support but know that I’ve still got a lot to prove to get it.
I learned this following my disastrous chalk mural efforts I spoke of yesterday.
I put out a hat for contributions.. not donations.
I’m not embarrassed at all to do that with my chalk art… I feel that If I deliver a good product and if someone feels that they like my art… like the theme or feel inspired and want to “share the love” by contributing a small token of thanks .. well I can receive that with thanks.
BUT like the other day? The piece really sucked! Frig.. so bad I can’t stop beating on myself about it!
I just didn’t take enough time to prepare for it and find the right foundation to work on.
People were not contributing.. the were donating. Giving because I was there doing that and they felt sorry for me thinking I was homeless or noticing my disability.
I had to leave shortly after a child put a 20 in bucket and said “you’re doing a really good job”
As stupid as it sounds… I almost started crying.. like I feel like doing this moment. It’s harder to hold back the tears now though, because at least no one can see me at this moment.
It wasn’t a good job at all… I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m disabled.
I want people to see what I can do even though I’m disabled. There’s A HUGE difference. If I “use” my disability to gain public eye or opportunity in ANY way whatsoever.. it’s to show what I CAN DO even though I have a disability.. not dwell on what I can’t. I want to Inspire and to offer people hope!
The stories I could tell you about my chalking a few years ago! Man To talk of them almost brings me to tears as well! (and seriously? No matter how hard I feel like it sometime… I can never seem to cry!)
I don’t know if anyone has a clue about this “fine line” between donations and contributions I speak of… But To me it’s Grand Canyon thick, and I feel like I fell into that canyon for the 1st time ever Canada Day by because I was too close to the edge.
I went from an extremely credible and VERY hard earned spot as a photographer, especially one with a disability (an RCMP working secret service even told me, having been all over the country has never seen any media personnel in a wheelchair before) to working the street where conversations went from the RCMP chat to a dude whispering in my ear.. “know where I can get any crack?”. “Dude! Find Jesus or something, what do I look like a street pharmacist?” ( I felt like saying VERY LOUD) but just said “NO Man! frig I’m not into that stuff”. But I did get hit in head with reality bat knowing how I did look. With the 20 dollar “donation” following a little while later. I said “thank you so very much!” to the child and then looked about for parents. They were standing a ways back, allowing their child to make this very generous act of kindness on her own (crap more tears at bay). I gave them a wave in thanks as well. Shortly after, I packed up and went home. I didn’t even shoot fireworks! They’re too easy and too common of a shoot now to get stuck in 2hours of traffic for.
The “pro” photographers in this city work insanely hard and I’m honoured to be in their midst actually. I just kind of “popped” on scene from nowhere. Most of them have been through the trenches from a decade to more than half a century!. I had an opportunity granted to me through some unique images that opened a couple of doors.. And I’ve been working my freakn tail off trying to compete ever since!
I know what a salmon feels like trying to swim upstream I tell ya. I seem to thrive off resistance though… it makes me feel alive and able. I’d rather swim upstream to a higher place.. then wash down the river.
Ok I’ve gone way past my entry quota this one..
Dang… I don’t usually proof read my post before posting because I want them to be real and from the heart.. but I get concerned about the BIG posts in fear of going off on incomprehensible tangents.
All this to say that I’m understand that In order to find contributions.. I need to offer something more.

I need to develop greater relationships and respect for readers by making time spent on my blog worthwhile 1st. Like my chalk art challenge, find a good surface to work and build on. Then illustrate what I can do. I’m slowly opening up to my realities. My life isn’t as exciting as some seem to think it is.. I feel quite the opposite. Being a photographer isn’t much of living. Your simply shoot other things “living” or even dying for that matter (as breaking news photojournalists). A true photographer is in a strange place like “3rd person” in a video game. This unexplainable force keeps me at bay there though. It’s like a drug I need to survive. I need to find proof and capture both the beauty in life and the tragedy of death and inspire those having a hard time in life themselves to choose life and live. To show that death can come too easy and when we least expect it. That each moment we have... We need to value it as equally as a decede or more of life. Some do not get the decades others get! And often decades are lost for themselves or stolen from others over a simple choice. Images some images I've shot are the hard proof of that (like capture below).

As equally as I want my images to incourage people  to live... I also want to encourage people to think about the results of other choises.

.

.

This photo as day after 3 teens lost their lives as the driver lost control of the vehicle he was driving, and hit this pole

.

.

share on:facebook

Day 28 - One extreme to the other

Canada Day wasn’t 100% successful on my end like I had hoped.

I managed to get a few nice shots.. but the chalk art? Man.. I was so embarrassed I packed it up early and left. I tried a new approach to this sort of work.

I picked up a sheet of oak finished plywood that passed my little chalk smudging test at the store.

I then coated it with an eggshell white and a low pile rollert (9mm). I figured that would give me a great base to work with. Like pencil drawing on paper. It too seemed to pass my little smudge test. (take a bit of white then pinch of black then see how they blend for shading) I sketched out a modified antique French poster to reflect elements of Canada Day and event sponsor, Bacardi. It looked fantastic!

I was quite excited about this new technique and figured if successful I’ll do these quite often.

sketching out a piece on location freehand or grid method takes up valuable work time and when busking people don't ’usually show much interest in what you’re doing until they see “eyes” or something pop.

I also thought maybe I could sell the pieces afterwards or have a draw.

Well… I start chalking and find the blending doesn’t work at all past a 3rd application (layer) There’s just not enough texture to hold enough chalk. Basically it’s like water colour paints on wax paper…

The colours just float and smudge to extremes. Detailing was impossible. I tried to switch from detailed to a more artsy sketch but It’s just not my style and I hated it more as time went on. There were some kind givers, tossing money into change bucket.. but I really don’t believe it was because of my quality of work. I couldn’t have that. It’s the first time I feel I failed at a mural and I couldn’t sit there and except contributions for crap work… So I left.

It was such a wild change of scene to where I first started the day.

I went to Parliament Hill 1st to cover queen arrival and some of the Canada Day celebrations.

I was in The vip area where everything was much more secure than usual. I’ll post a few pix below.

But it was strange going from that to street busking. LOL

I was VERY disappointed not to see Michaëlle Jean… It seemed quite strange she wasn’t there.

Her last Canada day in office plus queen was in in town? After all.. the governor Generals position is the only office politically associated with the monarchy in Canada.

And no video greetings either.. ? Very strange.

My favourite shot, even over the queen was of Canadian Olympian figure skater Joannie Rochette.

She was doing a spot with ctv and following that I asked her to pose for a shot with tower in background. I think many figure skaters in general have a pleasant nature about them.. but Joannie just freakn radiates a strong beautiful soul.

I kind of like my SnowBirds shot too, but They’re going in wrong direction.
I think they screwed up or something because they seemed really off course for the typical North to South fly over.
All the media were anticipating a specific shot and then they show up far left… I’m doubting any spectacular Snowbird shots in media. I positioned myself about 20 feet to the right to get “Canada” centred on piece tower so I at least got the South to North shot.
Ok that’s enough for today.. I’m pretty burned out from yesterday.
.

share on:facebook

Day 27 - Up before the roosters today…

5am and didn’t sleep much regardless.
This is a pretty intense work day and I really hope big success in all the things I take on.
I’m excited to do the mural.. it’s the 1st one I’ve done in a couple of years.
Not quite sure what kida shots I'll get on Parliament Hill either.
Should be interesting.
Have to get at further prepping for mural in a minute.
So reeeeeal short post this morning.
I suppose that’s a treat to some readers!
I may post again later..

I never really tweet.. but might play around with that through the day.
Twitter is http://twitter.com/steve_gerecke if you care to add me.
Have an awesome day! Happy Canada Day! Bonne fete, Canada!

Below are a couple of shots I took of thelegendary George Benson last night
.

.
share on:facebook

Day 26 Part 2 - Pressure makes Diamonds!

**2:20 pm


Dang... really peaking stress wise.
I Just picked up my credentials for Canada day photo ops.
And Got my chalk art spot ready for me at CHUM parking lot.
(high-5 steve w)
Gets me around the 250 permit.. but I am concerned about traffic flow.

It's freakn crazy trying to think this all out and strategize.
The most I’ve made on one of my murals is almost 1800 bux over the weekend.
Canada day the potential is double or triple for buskers.
Thing is I’m experimenting with new approach with this piece and I’m not sure how it will be received. Because of tight timeline plus trying to shoot at same time I need to sketch out my mural on a piece of wood or paneling and do the whole thing on there instead of sidewalk.
It’s the same product but people seem more fascinated with sidewalk art.
On my end I’m safer if it rains.. I also don’t have to worry about the street sweepers who LOVE driving over my work (even if it makes a bigger mess with a long trail of chalk mural GUTS across the pavement), and the people that openly protest to you taking up valuable city property and walk all over your work (trust me it happens).
And heck.. maybe someone would want to buy the whole thing?
Can’t sell city-owned sidewalk slabs.. (not sure if permit gives me that right)
If this does work? Man! I’m into doing this every day if I can, at least on weekends when it’s busy downtown
I really need to get into a better financial situation.
On my way home today I almost got side-tracked to cover queens stop at NAC … it’s funny how I can get pulled off course by gathering crowds, media scrums, any fleets of vehicles with flashing lights etc… like a dog calmly strolling along then all of a sudden sees a ball or stick fly by it’s face.

Have to go now
.. have to try and get my materials together and sketch out design…
I did 2 concepts not sure which one I’ll do… each are pretty funky! :)
share on:facebook

Day 26 - Pressure makes Diamonds!

Well.. I’m going for it all this year I guess.
I’ve been trying to figure out what the heck to do for Canada Day.
I’m 100% freelance this year for 1st time in a long time so have to go hunt my own food (so to speak)
It’s a stress because I can’t afford to waste time shooting stuff for the sake of shooting. It’s got to amount to something dollar wise 1st and credibility 2nd (as In lead to something else).
At this moment I’m planning to Shoot AND chalk!
Go from clean cut and cuff links to grubbies and full of dirt. (not sure If I’ll dress formally like I usually do on shoots.. but I certainly can’t wear my chalking clothes.
So if I can do it… Plan is to prep a piece (mural) for A Bacardi promo.. start that… race to hill for photo ops.. back to mural.. then off to fireworks location then back to mural again until 3 am (I think that’s when things wrap up).
I stress myself out sooooo freakn much preparing for them but the rush of it all when taking place and the feelings I get when pulling it off? You can’t buy that kinda thrill! Haha
Well.. I guess you can.. I just can’t afford it and why I’m doing this sort of thing now.. and even this blog to hopefully raise money so I can TRY another thrill! One that is ever present over self-inflicted.
I really must admit, I'm so thankful for the ops and assistance offered to me in helping me achieve my goals. My efforts to shine through those ops are for them 1st before myself or anyone else.
I need them to know that not only were their efforts not in vain… but worthwhile.
I’m not perfect and stumble or struggle at times.. but all and all.. I can only hope the results are good!
I might double post today.. It’s an interesting couple of days… I hope to bring you along on a successful campaign of efforts!
That is.. if anyone really following along!
share on:facebook

Day 25 - He could run like a tiger... anywhere

Another day closer.

Canada Day is 2 days away.. and I’m still not sure what to do!
Have to do well by my choice!
I don’t get why this is stressing me out so much.
I used to anticipate the fun stuff of Canada day and where we all were going to hang out.
I even enjoyed doing the afterhours street “raves” as I’d go crazy dancing in my wheelchair for hours.
(totally straight by the way.. just very entranced by the music).
The muscles in my arms would sure hurt like crazy the next day… even though I used to work out quite intensely every day.
I’d be dipping and spinning while doing wheelies as I tried to keep to the beat of the music.
It was funny people were videoing me or asking to have their pics taken with me… haha
I felt like one of those kids back in high school that had a crowd gather around as they pulled off all of John Travolta’s dance moves.
I used to freakn hate disco.. but man.. I wished I could dance.
I also loved photographing all the fun I saw people having on Canada Day.
Now though..? I’m so anxious about how I can generate healthy revenues to support myself!
Again .. with queen in town my biggest instincts are tugging at me to go for photo ops of a lifetime.
But times have changed so much the past couple of years that I know there will be 1000000 photos of her. Even with my potential access, and even if it is a unique capture, What will it constructively do for me?
It depresses me to feel defeated, as a photographer. I feel robbed of the joy and excitement I had (not that I am… it’s just how it feels), when I finally got the access I used to dream of getting, and managed to pull off interesting shots. Now everything is just so common.
Even unique angles, locations etc I’d show… sooner or later someone would go seek it out and try to do the same thing. There were often times I’d get emails and messages from others I didn’t even know asking me where I shot from, how I got there, and what my exif data (cam setting ) was.
welp...
As I write this.. it’s following a sleepless night as I tossed and turned bouncing between the idea of ultimate shoot location for Canada Day fireworks (along with whatever VIP photo ops I can capture) AND/OR what ultimate mural I should draw and where. Problem with the mural is, I have to fork out a minimum of 250 bux for a permit and I only have one day to get it all done! What if it rains? All is wasted!
Sigh…

Where is this love that will open the doors
Where is this love to make me cry out for more
Where is this love that comes from above
Where is this love?
.

share on:facebook

Day 24 - Byward blues

Ouch…!

Went checking out Ottawa’s Byward Market scene for potential locations for doing a chalk mural.
Ottawa has really but a stranglehold on the busking situation in town .. It’s insane!
250 bux I think it is for a permit to Busk.
There is only busking in a very limited number of locations within the Market on one hour rotations.
Chalk artists are excluded from time limit but there are only 2 spots you can chalk.
350.00 fine if you don’t have a permit.
I’d hate to be ignorant of that law and roll into town with your balloon animal show!
There should be some regulation though..moreso on the panhandling then buskers/street performers, however...the monopoly and/or over population of spots can be a bummer.
If you’ve got a good attraction going.. you’ll find others will move in on your crowd lol..
There’s a lot of odd things going on in the streets where people compete for attention.
I got robbed once. Some crack head reached in my hat ( I’ll place a hat at tip of my murals for people to drop some funds if they like what I do) grabbed a bunch of cash and ran leaving a trail scattering coins.
A buddy was going to chase him down but I just told him to relax.. Nothing will teach that dude a lesson that life isn’t already trying to teach him now being where he’s at. It’s why he just did what he did.
I actually like doing my chalk murals.. but it’s all the negative connotations that goes with it that detours me from doing it more.
It’s another thing I thought about doing.. traveling with my street art.
But my goal was to make enough money to survive plus save up for some pro cam gear.
My posts have been reflecting me off in lala land the past while.. sorry.
I’m really struggling with the means to raise serious coin.. and it’s sort of stressing me out.
Well. Not sort of… it is stressing me out..
2 more days! Better figure out what the heck I’m going to do!
Gasp!
share on:facebook

Day 23 - chalk or not to chalk

Not much to say today..

Busy week ahead and LOTS of stuff to sort out!

Covered a news story here in ottawa today where 25,000 L of liquid oxygen leaked out from a mishap at the Canadian Mint.
It was a neat scene and fire crews let a collegue and myself pretty darn close to the action.

considering there was a 500 metre parimeter set up around it all.

Dangerous, but not quite as dangerous as some other "leaks" I've covered.

I have to decide what to do for Canada Day here in Ottawa too.

Always lots of photo ops.. PLUS the Queen is in town!
But... I can potentially generate some good revenues busking with my chalk art or something.
If I want to do this trip.. I have to raise a LOT of coin...
I've made a lot of coin through my murals.. Canada Day is the biggest day for it!
Sigh... tough call indeed.. and I can't really shoot and chalk.

I don't think it'd go well showing up in VIP area, with cam gear, wearing grubbies covered head to toe in black and white chalk.

But.. if the usuall happens.. odds are likely I'd get to meet the queen.
I'm not a big on celeb gaga... but it's an interesting op none the less.
What to do?.. i'll be tossing and turning through several nights trying to figure it out along with other thoughts already causing me to toss n turn.
.

share on:facebook

Day 22 - Signs, signs everywhere a sign.

Wow. This journey is really bringing out a great deal of signage.
Signs I’m going to fast, signs I’m going to slow.
Sometimes there’s warning of bumps ahead.. other times the road is collapsed and there’s need of a detour.
I could go on and on but find many of the signs are contradicting each other.
It’s quite confusing.
It seems there are so much more of the signs reminding me of the reality and the obvious, then the signs of promise and hope ahead.
The signs of hope and promise just seem to show at a point of defeat and exhaustion.
I think the fact that those signs show up are the biggest signs of all. To clarify.. it’s not "just" the important message they deliver, but the fact that they are even there in 1st place. Like some sort of subliminal whisper.
If they never show at all.. I think that’s when we have to question whether or not we’re on the right path. I’ve had some really amazing, encouraging, inspiring support all of which I’m so thankful for!
After a few days of heavy struggle I get yet another wonderful word of encouragement last night.
An email from friend Bruce Kirkby. I know of NO OTHER on this planet that knows what I’m trying to do more than this guy. (a link on right goes to his site)
A family man..photographer, adventurer, Host of TV show ‘No opportunity wasted’ and author of 2 amazing books!
His note seriously almost brought me to tears because I’ve just been feeling really at odds with myself.
I am a big dreamer and I mean well in everything I do… but I do have responsibilities.
The balance of those responsibilities and my percent of focus towards this trip need critical examination.
I think that’s where my struggles are coming from.
I want and need this trip.. but I also need to take care of things here too… that’s obvious.
The signs are telling me I’m going to fast.. There is hope and it’s ok to keep moving forward..
but RELAX! It will come… just not expense of anything else that needs attention 1st.
Ok I know this is all a given… I did have plans to tend to responsibilities.. but signs are telling me I need to do it more! Simple.
I like it this way… It’s like experience itself is conditioning me and preparing me for something real and healthy. So I can make this trip and it’s wholesome.
I know I’m possibly sounding new age-ish with all this signs stuff… but "I" know what I’m talking about and I’m understanding more what the signs and the contradictions are all about.
They are the differences between wants and needs.
The biggest need is take care of responsibilities FIRST… BUT the “key” factor is in surplus!
I’m getting to like this blogging thing more and more.
I can get lost in my own thoughts keeping them in my head… but this way I can be nurtured, encouraged, beaten on, judged, supported etc…

But all in all.. and very important…. TESTED

share on:facebook

Day 21 - Get your haircut and get a real job!

(post edit below)

Well.. After 45 years It seems about that time!
I used to like that George Thorogood tune until a barn dance many moons ago in a small town I used to live in close to my parents.
Every year one of the farmers hosted a great big barn dance that drew in people from all over the county. It was my first time attending it and also 1st time I ever “partied” with my folks.
I wouldn’t call it partying to the level I USED to party.. but there was a pinch of booze involved none the less.
It was a strange night but a couple of things stuck out.
One.. a stoner buddy I brought along that was running on his last remaining brain cells… and his inability to spell YMCA in the traditional method of dance 99.9 % of humanity seems to know,
which in turn stimulated a couple of grins, rolling eyes and frowns from my parents.
Followed shortly by my conservative hard working step dad, (whom, prior to this evening, I had never seen polish off an entire beer before retiring it to the sink) air-banding “Get a Haircut and Get a Real Job” right in my face. EEEsh.. I creep out thinking about it.
Perfectly good song.. ruined. :P
Since then I have cut my hair of course.. That was a pretty hard thing to do…
It seemed my last defiance against an establishment I felt I needed a rub against the grain… but it was long overdo!
After a day or so of trauma… I actually started feeling free!
The job thing… well.. I thought going out and doing my own things that I love and making money at them was the way to live!
My dad worked at GM.. made good money… good benefits.
Is that living? It’s being responsible yes.. but I see countless living this type of life and MY personal observation is NONE of them are happy at it. Especially after 10-20-20-40 years go by.

Me…? Now? Am I happy?
I was, but all these issues that I’ve spoke of in earlier posts (markets etc) are causing me to evaluate the “responsibility” level in my life.
I was speaking with a friend and colleague last night (a talented, experienced photographer himself) and we were both mentioning we just have to go “get a real job!”

I don’t know what’s worse… A long term, perhaps middle age, employee getting laid off from the only work he/she knows, a type of work no longer in demand. Or, someone that’s been living free to the wind their whole lives, doing things they love, to find work in something they probably won’t enjoy?

I’m forced to think now …. I need a REALLY creative resume writer and to get my resume in the hands of a really creative, well paying, employer!

At least for some part time/contract work.

There… I admitted it to myself in front of the whole world!

POST EDIT:
Just to be clear.. I'm still planning this adventure.
It's come clearer to me that I have to better manage and structure my life to handle it.
I do not want my efforts to shun responsibilities.
There is obviously a great deal of finances needed to to pull this off and As I've started this blog... as much as I'd like to stumble upon a money tree and take off next week .. I come to know I need to plant a money tree 1st!


On a better “NOTE” Here’s a pic of Smokey Robinson I shot yesterday.
.
.

share on:facebook

Day 20 - bam!

Hit a wall today and can't wrap my mind around a subject to write about.
I feel pretty weak and almost defeated.
Not just the dreamer part of me but my whole existance.
I guess I really struggle between my visions of who I can be and what I can do...
vs the ever present reality.
Reality. What is reality anyways? Are they the "odds" that can defy and oppose us?
The circumstances of our actions/lack of? The people we surround ourselves? The eliments or surroundings we chose to stay in or even perhaps feel imprisoned by?

No wonder dreams come at such an expense other than those through our sleeps!
Even our sleep can be an expense of life, over getting up early/going to bed late and getting the most of our days.

Short post..  In heavy thought.

sincerely, steve GB
share on:facebook

Day 19 - The "desert" mirage.

I can be as optimistic as anything but the inset of that amongst the challenges of reality can be in heavy contrast! I want AND need this Africa trip to happen but there hasn’t been a great deal of progress forward. On the contrary actually (powers that seem to be VS the beautiful tokens of hope I mean) .
I’m certain this trip would change my life and allow me to show and offer something so much more than what I can now. It’s like I’ve embarked on this journey by committing to making efforts on bringing this trip to life but that journey brings me into a place of solitude and danger as I drudge forward through deeper and deeper sands in a vast desert. I seem to have lost sight and even interest in many things I’d normally pursue, in order to keep focused in the direction I set course for. The elements are overwhelming and wearing me thin. As hard as it is to survive in the “norm” I have responsibilities at home that need to be taken care of, ongoing, no matter what I do.. and the expense of leaving on an expensive trip is obviously that much greater.
I ask myself or imagine others saying…What makes me more entitled to achieve such an adventure, than someone else that is perhaps more worthy and financially stable?

Worthiness…
hmmm… is that what it is?

I really feel unworthy actually.
I do think many others, even those that have expressed open envy or wished they could do something like I’m planning, are much more worthy than I.
However.. We’ve only got so much time on this planet to “experience” and “perform”.
Do we experience enough? Are the experiences something that can sustain us through our entire lives and fuel us through the hard times to give us hope there is more “on the other side” of those times? Or are they just numbing, time passing distractions.
Are we performing in things that REALLY matter? Will it make an impact on others (family, friends, colleagues or even spectators we are unaware of) lives in a sustainably positive way?
Please know, dear reader… It is actually a real struggle with feelings of unworthiness to take part in such a wonderful experience such as I’m trying to make happen here. Again, I do know countless others that are wanting, needing and much more deserving of this sort of experience in their lives. Should I let that defeat me because they don’t do it though?
I also know there are, and always will be responsibilities, but I just want to encourage everyone to just go "do it" ! Just find a way to do whatever you hope to do!
I think that’s my primary drive in ALL I do… If I can encourage even the faintest of heart to reach out and receive what life offers them I feel that struggles in my life (physical, financial, personable etc. etc.) make more sense.
I guess my major challenge, if anything, is finding a healthy balance and I know that's the key.

Well I’ve said enough today….. I have to keep moving forward.
share on:facebook

Day 18 - If you’re gimpy and you know it clap your hands!

gimp 1 (g mp)  n.
A narrow flat braid or rounded cord of fabric used for trimming. Also called guimpe, guipure.

In the urban dictionary:
A derogatory term for someone that is disabled or has a medical problem that results in physical impairment.

The term is used very loosely in the disabled community.. More so the ones that not only have accepted what life and circumstances have thrown at them but can poke fun at themselves as in laugh in the face of their challenge. They know their different and embrace the fact.
Not all are like this and are very bitter at the world and believe they’re a victim.
To use term “gimp” around them there would be great offence taken where you’d get sworn at or ran over by their electric wheelchair.
I personally “was” in that mindset to a degree. I hated being disabled or different. I wasn’t the kind to feel sorry for myself at all.. but I hated that I couldn’t do many of the thing other kids could do.
I spent my life in denial of having a disability so much so I actually felt uncomfortable around other people with disabilities. I HATED the word cripple and would lash out at anyone that used the term around me and kick them with my 500lb metal braces I wore as a kid.
I also had this ninja attack where I could do almost this sort of cartwheel to reach higher places then the shins. Now it was very rare I’d have to illustrate the fact I was not a cripple and would not tolerate any spoken assumption of it. People just knew. All through school I was fortunate enough to rarely meet ignorance or attack. It was more my attitude than anything I think. I just had to set the odd person straight as in zero tolerance. In the end, I believe it was more for my benefit then theirs though.
I had to keep believing that even though I had obvious challenges… I would not be limited by them.
So.. Why wave the gimp pride flag now?
Over the years, in my constant struggles to prove myself anything but freakish.. I started liking the “freakish” side of me. I liked that I was a fighter and could do whatever I set my mind to doing.
I had obvious differences but realized that more severe forms of freakish were the challenges people faced that you could not see.
I started to embrace and love who I was as a life.. and what I could do with that life.
It also started to become a responsibility to encourage others what a bit of willpower and desire can do!
I became more “aware” or “enlightened” to this responsibility after reading ‘Mans Search for Meaning’ by Viktor Frankl.
If one needs to find purpose in life it can be merely found by understanding that it’s not your struggles that make you a survivor it’s your overcoming. That itself is a purpose and a responsibility.
Others can find hope in overcoming challenges through seeing someone else overcome theirs.
What better purpose can you have then offer someone else hope?
share on:facebook

Day 17 - A pic a day

Had a great weekend with my daughter and my postings the past couple of days were taylored to suit her span of interest. haha
As I mentioned Satuday, She said she'd read them more if they wern't 90 paragraphs!
I'm really going to try and condition myself to trim the postings down.
I guess if I was reading someones blog it'd better be interesting if I'm going to read 90 paragraphs.

I'll hold out that sort of thing until Africa trip actually starts.

This blogging is quite interesting and I'd really recommend it to people that have something to say.
Good or bad .. just let it out!
I never did a diary or journal before except for in grade 7.
The teacher made us write in a journal every day but guess what..  I could never keep it to one page like I was supposed to! I know that's hard to believe.
My daughter had to do one all through graded school and it was my favourite thing to go through at the end off the year. The interprutations of events and goings on were always entertaing, amusing, cute and even quite moving.

A diary always seemed to me quite dangerous. Id say to people freaking because someone read their diary..don't ever write anything you don't want someone to read.
I know it's a personal place but it's a leaked thought and some people get pretty leaky!

I'll close today with this...
I've decided on the weekend to go out every day and capture a print worthy image.
Whether it's news or exhibitable. (if anywhre at least in house)
I'll post a couple of shots from Saturday and Sunday.

If you care to buy one...  Please do let me know!
All revenues generated through my blog will help fund my trip to Africa:)
share on:facebook