Day 19 - The "desert" mirage.

I can be as optimistic as anything but the inset of that amongst the challenges of reality can be in heavy contrast! I want AND need this Africa trip to happen but there hasn’t been a great deal of progress forward. On the contrary actually (powers that seem to be VS the beautiful tokens of hope I mean) .
I’m certain this trip would change my life and allow me to show and offer something so much more than what I can now. It’s like I’ve embarked on this journey by committing to making efforts on bringing this trip to life but that journey brings me into a place of solitude and danger as I drudge forward through deeper and deeper sands in a vast desert. I seem to have lost sight and even interest in many things I’d normally pursue, in order to keep focused in the direction I set course for. The elements are overwhelming and wearing me thin. As hard as it is to survive in the “norm” I have responsibilities at home that need to be taken care of, ongoing, no matter what I do.. and the expense of leaving on an expensive trip is obviously that much greater.
I ask myself or imagine others saying…What makes me more entitled to achieve such an adventure, than someone else that is perhaps more worthy and financially stable?

Worthiness…
hmmm… is that what it is?

I really feel unworthy actually.
I do think many others, even those that have expressed open envy or wished they could do something like I’m planning, are much more worthy than I.
However.. We’ve only got so much time on this planet to “experience” and “perform”.
Do we experience enough? Are the experiences something that can sustain us through our entire lives and fuel us through the hard times to give us hope there is more “on the other side” of those times? Or are they just numbing, time passing distractions.
Are we performing in things that REALLY matter? Will it make an impact on others (family, friends, colleagues or even spectators we are unaware of) lives in a sustainably positive way?
Please know, dear reader… It is actually a real struggle with feelings of unworthiness to take part in such a wonderful experience such as I’m trying to make happen here. Again, I do know countless others that are wanting, needing and much more deserving of this sort of experience in their lives. Should I let that defeat me because they don’t do it though?
I also know there are, and always will be responsibilities, but I just want to encourage everyone to just go "do it" ! Just find a way to do whatever you hope to do!
I think that’s my primary drive in ALL I do… If I can encourage even the faintest of heart to reach out and receive what life offers them I feel that struggles in my life (physical, financial, personable etc. etc.) make more sense.
I guess my major challenge, if anything, is finding a healthy balance and I know that's the key.

Well I’ve said enough today….. I have to keep moving forward.
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