I’ve been noticing my posts getting more daily journal wise and not reflecting a huge amounts of “Going to Africa” content.
Well.. I’m reflecting the obvious.
It’s not as easy as one can dream!
I literally made a declaration that I’m going to do this trip.
And still plan on it… Reality is just setting me straight on the time frame and responsibility dept.
In my happy go lucky mind I figured I’d be able to raise funds quickly and just go!
To be honest.. I just sort of hoped.. (sorry) money would fall from the sky and I’d gain this huge support system. I feel kind of bad about that actually. I can use the support but know that I’ve still got a lot to prove to get it.
I learned this following my disastrous chalk mural efforts I spoke of yesterday.
I put out a hat for contributions.. not donations.
I’m not embarrassed at all to do that with my chalk art… I feel that If I deliver a good product and if someone feels that they like my art… like the theme or feel inspired and want to “share the love” by contributing a small token of thanks .. well I can receive that with thanks.
BUT like the other day? The piece really sucked! Frig.. so bad I can’t stop beating on myself about it!
I just didn’t take enough time to prepare for it and find the right foundation to work on.
People were not contributing.. the were donating. Giving because I was there doing that and they felt sorry for me thinking I was homeless or noticing my disability.
I had to leave shortly after a child put a 20 in bucket and said “you’re doing a really good job”
As stupid as it sounds… I almost started crying.. like I feel like doing this moment. It’s harder to hold back the tears now though, because at least no one can see me at this moment.
It wasn’t a good job at all… I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m disabled.
I want people to see what I can do even though I’m disabled. There’s A HUGE difference. If I “use” my disability to gain public eye or opportunity in ANY way whatsoever.. it’s to show what I CAN DO even though I have a disability.. not dwell on what I can’t. I want to Inspire and to offer people hope!
The stories I could tell you about my chalking a few years ago! Man To talk of them almost brings me to tears as well! (and seriously? No matter how hard I feel like it sometime… I can never seem to cry!)
I don’t know if anyone has a clue about this “fine line” between donations and contributions I speak of… But To me it’s Grand Canyon thick, and I feel like I fell into that canyon for the 1st time ever Canada Day by because I was too close to the edge.
I went from an extremely credible and VERY hard earned spot as a photographer, especially one with a disability (an RCMP working secret service even told me, having been all over the country has never seen any media personnel in a wheelchair before) to working the street where conversations went from the RCMP chat to a dude whispering in my ear.. “know where I can get any crack?”. “Dude! Find Jesus or something, what do I look like a street pharmacist?” ( I felt like saying VERY LOUD) but just said “NO Man! frig I’m not into that stuff”. But I did get hit in head with reality bat knowing how I did look. With the 20 dollar “donation” following a little while later. I said “thank you so very much!” to the child and then looked about for parents. They were standing a ways back, allowing their child to make this very generous act of kindness on her own (crap more tears at bay). I gave them a wave in thanks as well. Shortly after, I packed up and went home. I didn’t even shoot fireworks! They’re too easy and too common of a shoot now to get stuck in 2hours of traffic for.
The “pro” photographers in this city work insanely hard and I’m honoured to be in their midst actually. I just kind of “popped” on scene from nowhere. Most of them have been through the trenches from a decade to more than half a century!. I had an opportunity granted to me through some unique images that opened a couple of doors.. And I’ve been working my freakn tail off trying to compete ever since!
I know what a salmon feels like trying to swim upstream I tell ya. I seem to thrive off resistance though… it makes me feel alive and able. I’d rather swim upstream to a higher place.. then wash down the river.
Ok I’ve gone way past my entry quota this one..
Dang… I don’t usually proof read my post before posting because I want them to be real and from the heart.. but I get concerned about the BIG posts in fear of going off on incomprehensible tangents.
All this to say that I’m understand that In order to find contributions.. I need to offer something more.
I need to develop greater relationships and respect for readers by making time spent on my blog worthwhile 1st. Like my chalk art challenge, find a good surface to work and build on. Then illustrate what I can do. I’m slowly opening up to my realities. My life isn’t as exciting as some seem to think it is.. I feel quite the opposite. Being a photographer isn’t much of living. Your simply shoot other things “living” or even dying for that matter (as breaking news photojournalists). A true photographer is in a strange place like “3rd person” in a video game. This unexplainable force keeps me at bay there though. It’s like a drug I need to survive. I need to find proof and capture both the beauty in life and the tragedy of death and inspire those having a hard time in life themselves to choose life and live. To show that death can come too easy and when we least expect it. That each moment we have... We need to value it as equally as a decede or more of life. Some do not get the decades others get! And often decades are lost for themselves or stolen from others over a simple choice. Images some images I've shot are the hard proof of that (like capture below).
As equally as I want my images to incourage people to live... I also want to encourage people to think about the results of other choises.
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This photo as day after 3 teens lost their lives as the driver lost control of the vehicle he was driving, and hit this pole.
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